The Wonderful World of Tamora Pierce
by jweb guru
Summary: Not really much to say... just a bunch of stupid conversations put into a play. More later.
1. The Wonderful World of Tamora Pierce: Pa...

The Wonderful World of Tortall ****

The Wonderful World of Tamora Pierce Characters

  
Scene 1: _Alanna and Daine (Yep, that's right, Daine) are dueling each other in a fierce contest to see who can be the most horrible actor._

Or something like that.

Alanna: Beware, Daine! For today is the day you die! (_Dramatic music plays as Alanna and Daine duel with what are apparently rusted pogo sticks_.)

Daine: NEVER! *_With a strong southern accent.*_ Veralidaine Sarrasri never loses a fight!

Alanna: Oh? Well, _prepare to suffer!_ *_Begins waving the pogo stick around and singing a battle song that makes the birds run around screaming like the headless chickens they are._*

Jonathan: _GO ALANNA!_ _YOU'RE MY HERO!_ *_He continues singing with all the other cheerleaders while all the animals howl their support for Daine.*_

__

*Alanna gets a swipe and almost bashes the pogo stick into Daine's head. Daine retaliates by throwing some bird droppings onto Alanna's hair.*

Alanna: EEK! My hair is RUINED!

__

Cut scene to Niko coaching Tris on how to remove slime from his stupid shirt.

Niko: Now Tris, remember… just breathe deeply, then breathe out.

Tris: Why?

Niko: BECAUSE I SAID SO! NOW DO IT!

Tris: I don't _WANT_ to! *_Tiny shafts of wind begin heading toward Niko._*

Niko: So what? I'm your mage master. Now be quiet and get this slime off my shirt!

Tris: Hehehehe… *_Tris gets the slime off Niko's shirt and onto his face._*

Niko: Young lady, _never_ do that to a senior mage.

Tris: Wheee! That was fun! Let's do it again!

__

Cut scene to Alanna and Daine taking a break.

Duke Gareth the Elder: Well, how do you guys think the fight is going?

*_Alanna and Daine both point to each other and say simultaneously, "SHE CHEATED!"_

George: _*Hastily_* I've got an idea! Why don't you both sit down and eat some strawberry rhubarb pie?

Daine: I don't _LIKE_ strawberry rhubarb pie.

Alanna: I _LOVE IT_!

George: Hey, didn't you say just yesterday that you hated strawberry rhubarb pie?

Alanna: That was yesterday. This is TODAY. _*Glares suspiciously at Daine_.*

__

Cut scene to Keladry of Mindelin, having a romantic dinner with Cleon and an enchanted frog prince.

Kel: Isn't this a romantic scene, with Me and Cleon and… um… the frog prince?

Prince: I'll have you know I would be _HEIR_ to Roald if it weren't for that stupid idiot Duke Roger turning me into a frog.

Kel: So what?

Cleon: Yeah, froggy. Go mind your own business. _*Puts his arm around Kel._*

Prince: YEEEECHHH! Before you go all romantic on me, what am I supposed to say again?

Cleon: _*Holding a whispered conversation with Kel, then telling the frog wickedly_: You're supposed to say, "HI! I'm a big dummy from outer space who is in reality dissing the director for his stupid lines.

Prince: _*Obediently: He learned obedience from the cradle, or the lilypad or whatever*_: HI! I'm a big dummy from outer space who is in reality dissing the director for his stupid lines.

Director: _*From behind stage_* I'll GET YOU FOR THAT, FROG PRINCE ALEXANDER OF GRAHM OF BELL OF CONTÉ!

Prince: No need to get so _TOUCHY_! I was just following _their_ orders, O high and mighty.

Director: _*Unimpressed and STILL from behind stage_* Yeah, right. I've heard that one before.

__

Cut scene to Niko trying to get out of a miniature tornado that Tris has created.

Tris: WHEEEEE!!!!!! This is fun! _*Tris turns to Sandry, Briar, and Daja._* Isn't it?

Briar: Yeah. Hey, I wonder what would happen to us if we put Rosethorn in there?

Sandry: We'd have to be absolutely stupid to try…

Daja: OK, then! In that case, we _HAVE_ to try.

Tris: Of course! We're not going to lie to ourselves and say we're actually SMART, are we? *_Listens for dissenting votes. None come._* Good. Let's go and find Frostpine, Rosethorn, and Lark.

Niko: _PUT ME DOWN FROM HERE THIS INSTANT, YOUNG LADY! THIS IS UNDIGNIFIED!_

Tris: Oh, I'm sorry. TOO BAD FOR YOU! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! _ *Tris and the others wander off, cackling insanely._*

Niko: Help!!!! Anybody want to help me? _*Spots Duke Vedris coming up the driveway (a driveway? In the ****th century? Sure!)_* Oh, good sir, you wouldn't by any chance help a poor old man who's trapped in a whirlwind, would you?

Vedris: Of course not! _*Turns to his guards._* Get everyone up here and see this! See Niko trapped in a whirlwind! THIS IS FUN! Hehehehe!

Guard 1: Sure, Vedris.

Guard 2: Aye aye, sir.

Guard 3: This'll be GOOD. _*All three guards wander off chuckling._*

Niko: Help? Anybody?

__

Cut scene to Alanna and Daine fighting again.

Alanna: YEEEGHHHH! I HATE STRAWBERRY RUBARB PIE! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!

Daine: NUH UH! I HAD TO WATCH YOU AS YOU SHOVED THE DELICIOUS PIE DOWN, GLUTTONHEAD! I BET YOU'RE GROWING FATTER AS WE SPEAK!

Alanna: Speaking in caps is getting me exhausted. Let's go see what the evil, bug-eyed monsters are doing. _*Alanna's cape goes SWISH, SWISH!_*

Director: Hey, you don't have a CAPE!

Alanna: Yes, I do.

Director: Oh? And how, may I ask, did you pay for that thing?

Alanna: _* Shrugs_* I found a check that said "$2000000, to be deposited in payroll account number 1020390893454392835983. I memorized the account number, and took out all the money and bought pretty things. See? _*Shows director her $20000000 dollar cloak._* I bought it with all that money.

Director: ARRRRRGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! THAT WAS THE PAYROLL MONEY, YOU IDIOT! THAT'S WHAT I WAS PUTTING INTO THE THEATER! WHAT KIND OF CLOAK COSTS 20000000 FREAKING DOLLARS!?!?!?!

Alanna: The kind that swishes all the time. Including when you sleep. And glows in the dark, and can create objects upon demand, and can remove obnoxious directors.

Director: WHAT?

__

*Alanna tells her cloak something and the Director vanishes to an entirely different scene.*

Indiana Jones: We don't have much time left! RUN! VENEMOUS DIRECOR AHEAD! OTHER WAY! NO! STUPID DIRECTOR AHEAD! WE'RE SURROUNDED BY DIRECTORS, TONTO! WHAT SHOULD WE DO?

Tonto: *_The faithful Indian companion._* Smash the cameras!

Indiana Jones: Good idea! _*Indiana Jones and Tonto begin smashing all the cameras. The directors, their power gone, flee back to their own plays._*

__

Scene 1 ends.

So, tell me what you think. I'm still working on this, there WILL be another chapter, but I can't write one now. Please review it, even if you think it stinks. Because, deep down, I know you REALLY THINK IT STINKS! Oookaaayyyy…. Now back to reality. See you next chapter in "_The Wonderful World of Tamora Pierce Characters, PART II_." I bet you're REALLY looking forward to it.

WHEEEEEEEELLLLLAAAAAAAA!!!!


	2. The Wonderful World of Tamora Pierce: Pa...

The Wonderful World of Tortall ****

The Wonderful World of Tamora Pierce Characters: PART II!

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Scene 2: Duke Barney has gotten together his purple dinosaur minions and is marching toward Tortall, fully armed!

Duke Barney: I love you, you love me, we're a happy fa-mi-ly… with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you… won't… you… say… you… love… me… too….

Sir Po: _*Barney's right hand man._* Oh great sir Barney, we have isolated Emalen and are prepared to attack at dawn.

Barney: _*Swears*_ Have you been listening to the captions? We're at TORTALL, dungface!

Sir Lala: _*Barney's left hand man._* Oh great Duke Barney, please spare Po. He simply has to learn to keep his foot from his hands. Or is that his foot from his feet?

Director: _*Still from backstage - never seems to make an appearance, does he?_* IT'S HIS FOOT FROM HIS MOUTH, DUNGFACE!

Sir Dipsy: *_Barney's right-foot man_* THAT'S NOT NICE! COME OUT AND FIGHT LIKE A PURPLE DINOSAUR!

Director: Shut up and read the script!

Sir Tinky-Winky: *_Barney's left-foot man_* _*To the others_* Don't talk like that - it only makes Barney and the Director mad.

__

Cut scene to Numair arguing about proportions of blasphemous toads.

Numair: I'm telling you! I saw at least four-dozen known blasphemous toads yesterday around East West street.

Shinkokami: East West street? Isn't that a contradiction of terms?

Numair: NO! IT'S A STREET NAME, OK! MY STREET! MY NAME! MY DYSFUNCTIONAL STORY!

Director: _*From behind stage - just let me know when you get tired of that, OK?_* No, it's _MY_ dysfunctional story. Don't try to steal the credit. And anyway, I can't believe we're claming ownership of a dysfunctional story, especially since we started out talking about - BLASPHEMOUS TOADS. *_Director looks at Numair sternly; Numair gulps and continues on with his lines._*

Numair: ANYWAY, the point is that something must be done about these toads! Roald? You'll be king someday, what do you propose?

Roald: _*Thinks about it solemnly for a few moments, then brightens. A pair of royal horns call and fanfare him as he proclaims his idea._* LET'S DECLARE A WAR ON DANDRUFF! _*Entire crowd cheers as Numair wanders off muttering to himself, "_WHAT THE HECK DOES A WAR ON DANDRUFF HAVE TO DO WITH BLASPHEMOUS TOADS?"

__

Cut scene to Raoul entangling Kel in a dangerous mission that will probably get them all killed.

Raoul: Kel, could you get away from that idiot Cleon for a moment and get over here? I have a dangerous, suicidal plan that could get us all killed, destroy the realm of Tortall, and destroy the structure and values we have carefully built upon. Do you want -

Kel: Sure! When do we start?

Raoul: Um… how about next year!

Kel: Ok! _*Goes back to being romantically in love with yet not actually doing anything that would get this rated PG-13 or maybe even R or NC-17 with Cleon._*

Prince: (A/N: Did you really think I had forgotten about him? You didn't? What a disappointment. _*I sulk back into the crowd and merge with the food counter._*) I WANT A PIECE OF CHEESE! ALSO CRACKERS AND WINE IN MONGOOSE SAUCE!

Kel: Picky, picky. You have no right to order gourmet delicacies as long as you have a long tongue!

Prince: I was _BORN_ with a long tongue. _Holds it up proudly._ It's my pride and joy! And YOU CAN'T HAVE IT! NA NAH NA NAH BOO BOOO!

Author: Oh yeah? _*I magically create a long tongue and wear it, frightening the frog into the lake._*

__

*Cleon and Kel continue their romantic evening of doing absolutely nothing. I get bored.*

__

Cut scene to Numair doing a great working.

Numair: Oh great pot of cheese-berries, make me a grand and wise sorcerer. A sorcerer who can do great workings like this without saying anything that other people would understand. A great and mystical sorcerer, a sorcerer capable of all things! _Raising his voice_. A SORCERER WHO ISN'T AS STUPID AS I AM!

__

* A mystical steam bubble appears over the pot. Numair smiles and waits for the spell to complete before drinking the potion. Suddenly, the pot explodes and… Harry Potter stands in its wake.*

Harry: Hey, dude! What's up? Like, one minute I'm with Ron in Snape's digs, and the next minute I'm here! _Totally_ happening, dude. _*Inspects the place_.* So whatcha got to eat, anyway, punk? Feeling luck, punk? I'm Harry Potter. I defeated Lord Voldemort a large number of times because no author lets me die. I am invincible! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Numair: PUNK? I know not what it means, but it is obviously insulting. I shall turn you into a bouncing ferret for that! _*Numair makes arcane gestures and points at Harry with his long tongue. Harry Potter turns into… a bouncing weasel._*

Numair: WHY IS IT THAT I NEVER GET THE FERRET SPELL RIGHT?

__

Cut scene to Duke Barney, preparing a grand procession to Emel- I mean, to Corus.

Barney: I want all troops out there! Single file! All four of my limbs, go move, move, move!

Po: Yes, sir!

Lala: Right away, sir!

Dipsy: Of course, sir!

Tinky-Winky: BIG HUG! _*Barney glares at him._* I mean, As you wish, sir!

Barney: Good. I'm glad to see SOMEONE here still knows about obedience… _*Looks pointedly at himself. His four hands and feet look blank._*

Barney: _*Disgustedly_* Never mind! Just look good.

__

*The entire army marches straight into the shop of Lord Jabus Jabus Mooplace. *

Jabus Jabus: HOT-DOGS! 15 gold nobles for 20, since they haven't even been invented yet!

Barney: Thank you, we'd like 10000 of those. Purple dinosaurs need to keep their strength up.

Jabus Jabus: Of course! Here, take them all! _*Lord Jabus Jabus Mooplace becomes the richest guy in town, including the king, momentarily._ *

Barney: Now, let us FIGHT! LIKE THE DINOSAURS WE ARE! COOK, FRY THOSE HOT DOGS!

__

End of Scene 2

So, will our... errmm… heroes defeat the malicious dinosaur? Or will the evil beast defeat them and their "cherished ways of life"? Who cares? You do, you say? Well, that's too bad, because I'm too lazy to right more right now. You'll just have to wait for the next chapter… so there! MWAHAHAHAHAHA RESISTANCE IS FUTILE SUBMIT HUMANS… Oookaayy… now time for my therapy appointment.

"Do that thing again."

"This?"

"No, the other thing."

"This?

"WHEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAA!"

Again, you had to be there.

--Life, the Universe and Everything.

--Series: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

--By Douglas Adams


	3. The Wonderful World of Tamora Pierce: Pa...

The Wonderful World of Tamora Pierce Characters: PART II ****

The Wonderful World of Tamora Pierce Characters: PART III!

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As those of you with photographic memories will remember, when we were last in Emalen the duke had summoned everybody to watch Niko fight in the whirlwind. Now, Niko has filed a lawsuit against Winding Circle, Emalen, and everybody else he could find laughing at him. Here they are in a courtroom.

Niko's Lawyer (NL): The following people: *_Reads from a long list of names for about three hours._* have been implicated in an attempt to laugh at one Niklaren Goldseye, commonly known as Niko, powerful mage, person in council at Lightbridge, Winding Circle… _*His voice drones on and on._*

Niko: ENOUGH ALREADY! Plus, one of them put me in a whirlwind!

NL: Niko, you charged for people laughing at you, not you being put in a whirlwind. That's a separate case.

Niko: But…

*_Everyone laughs at Niko. Niko glares at them, and they all run from cover, still laughing. They calm down and return to their places._*

Duke of Emalen (DE): Lawyer, please come here!

Duke of Emalen's Lawyer (DL): I don't like you, NL. You caused great damage to my property last midsummer morning. Plus, you never beat me. So I don't like you. Plus, familiarity breeds contempt.

NL: _IF _we may return to the case on hand…

DL: What case?

Niko: PEOPLE LAUGHED AT ME!

NL and DL and everyone but Niko himself: _SO WHAT!?!_

Cut scene to Duke Barney storming Jonathan's castle.

Barney: We've got them surrounded! Now, you four idiots, you and your armies get to utter your special war cries. Ready? Go!!

__

*They begin to yell battle cries in fearsome voices.*

Po:_ EEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHH OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!_

Lala: _BBBBBBBBBBBIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGG HHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!_

Dipsy: _DDIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPSSSSSSSSSSSSYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!_

Tinky-Winky: _TINKA-WINKA-WINKY-WINKY TINKA-WINKA-TINKY-WINKY!!!!!!_

*They rush upon the castle and almost trip on a pile of deer that have conveniently popped out of nowhere in front of them.*

Barney: Where did _THOSE_ come from?

Dead Pile of Deer (DPD): We enjoy being here.

Barney: Step aside! I am Lord Barney!

DPD: You're _DUKE_ Barney, you idiot. And soon _WE'LL_ be duke around here.

Barney: Yeah, right. You're only delaying us.

__

*Barney and friends suddenly trip over a pile of rabbits that have conveniently popped out of nowhere right where they're standing.*

*Barney suddenly notices a sign that says, "Road washed out. Use alternate route."*

Barney: Men! It's time to use an alternate route… guys? _*Barney notices his army running around insanely in the distance._* HEY, WAIT FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

__

Cut scene to Jonathan with his ministers and minstrels and advisors and all that other stuff, deciding what to do about the fearsome army.

Daine: Those purple dinosaurs were HUGE!

Jonathan: And did you notice that the four ones next to the leader had strange things sticking out of their heads?

Alanna: This is a case of _NATIONAL EMERGENCY_. All hands to the deck!

Jonathan: _*Looking at Alanna strangely, sort of like she's a little off in the head._*

Alanna: You know, giving the leader the power to do whatever he wants.

Jonathan: I can _ALREADY_ do whatever I want.

Alanna: Oh, you're no fun.

Lord Wyldon: Our infantry is being cut to pieces out there…

Bob the Pineapple: I'm not in this story… I don't like it… that alone condemns it… Plus… I'm a master reviewer…

Director: GET OUT. _*Director tries to turn Bob the Pineapple into a fruit salad, but fails because sea75enchantress really likes Bob the Pineapple. Director shrugs his shoulders and sends Bob back into his own story._*

Jonathan: Thanks. _*To the others_.* So WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO?

Numair: I think you should use the Dominion Jewel.

Jonathan: Yeah, but there are also a bunch of laws of magic about why I can and can't use it except when I really need it, which according to those laws is never because I never really need it until I'm dead, to resurrect myself, and I can't do it while I'm dead, and even if I could there are further laws about why I'm not important enough to resurrect.

Thayet: ???!?!?What?!?!???

Jonathan: Never mind. Maybe I should use it anyway.

Daine: Good idea. Oh, and Alanna?

Alanna: Yeah?

Daine: The pooh bears all say they have hot dogs. I have a private craving for hot dogs… please get some for me.

Alanna: OOOOOOOOOOOooooooooookaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy… I'll keep that in mind. _*Alanna mutters something about crazy Wildmage and walks away._*

Numair: And the numbers of blasphemous toads are greater than ever! You can now find a blasphemous toad at every corner!

Everybody else: _SHUT UP, NUMAIR!_

Numair: Oh, fine. But seriously, I really have absolutely nothing to tell you here…

__

*Everybody binds and gags Numair, and move back to their seats.*

__

Cut scene to Niko being offended.

Niko: I'm offended! People are not respecting me!

Tris: That's not hard. *_Tris laughs uproariously. No one else seems to find it funny._* Hey, why isn't anybody else laughing? Huh? Huh? Huh?

Baron George of Pirate's Swoop: Because it's _NOT_ funny. Hey, what am I doing here anyway? I don't belong here. I belong back home, next to my purple teapot.

Director: You are absolutely right… although I think the teapot's green. How exactly _DID_ you get here?

George: I was just snoozing away on my sofa, and all of the sudden some idiot appeared. He said his name was Lord Voldemort and I should bow down to him. I said he obviously was thinking of some other story, and he said he'd show me who was in the wrong story and the next second I was here, listening to that little girl laughing her head off at that stupid joke.

Director: _VOLDEMORT!_

Voldemort: _*Appearing suddenly_* Ever at your service, O mighty director.

Director: Get out of the play, all right?

Voldemort: Why?

Director: _*Grasps Voldemort firmly by the eardrum and sends him off into the unknown_.* *_Shrugs_* Never try to barter with Death Eaters.

NL: *_Glares at everyone_.* IF I may continue… do you plead innocent or guilty?

Duke: I plead guilty! Niko is funny… hahahahahaha! Hohohohohoho! Hehehehehehe! And also, HA! He is stupid! He goes around being… um… I forget what you call it… pretentiously prattle-brained! He puts on airs - just look at him!

*_Everyone looks at Numair, who is covered with heavy blankets of air._*

Director: *_Smugly_* I made those myself!

*_The "commonly confused words" police suddenly enter the courtroom, sirens blaring, and grab the director! They handcuff him!_*

Police Guy 1: You are under ARREST for confusing words!

Police Guy 2: "Putting on airs," means being all high and mighty and giving yourself titles that take way to long to say and stuff.

Police Guy 3: TAKE THAT! *_The three police guys storm off, leaving the director where he is with a huge summons. The director stares at it._*

Director: This costs $725839589328592303358923859238508143848234234.453????!!!!!

Police: *_From far away…_* Yep.

Director: This is STUPID! HOW CAN I PAY FOR THIS!

Really, Really, REALLY Very Super Extremely Rich Guy: Where did I come from? Oh, yeah! I'll go check in this brain I bought.

Director: ??? Where did you come from?

Really, Really, REALLY Very Super Extremely Rich Guy: Some guy named Barney gave me lots of money for hot dogs… I was going to drop off the $725839589328592303358923859238508143848234234.45 I owe you for giving me the fabulous opportunity! A very small amount to me, of course…

Director: *_After receiving the money, calls out_* HOW AM I GOING TO PAY THE 0.003????!!!!

Baby Boy: Here, take it! It's from my allowance.

Director: Speaking of hot dogs…

__

Cut scene to everyone but Duke Barney lying dead.

*_Everyone in Corus gasps._*

EVERYONE: THE PURPLE DINOSAURS, DEAD!?!?!

Really, Really, REALLY Very Super Extremely Rich Guy: Um… it looks like my hot dog recipe wasn't _quite_ as good as I thought…

Daine: *_Loudly_* WHAT???? *_Daine suddenly realizes that she's been poisoned and falls dramatically dead._*

Numair: Oh, no! I'm sorry for everything bad I said, my sweet!

Jonathan: Shut up, Numair.

*_Daine is revived._*

Numair: Daine! You're alive! *_Numair begins hugging and kissing Daine. Everybody turns their faces away so they won't have to witness it if it turns out this is a PG 13 scene._*

*_Fortunately for all you little kiddies out there, it isn't._*

Daine: Of COURSE I'm alive! What else did you expect??? I need to be alive for the coming scenes.

*_With lots of silvery smoke stuff, the badger god appears._*

Badger God: Veralidaine Sarrasri was revived by myself and Weiryn, as you should all know. We need to leave her in the story for plot purposes. Otherwise, I'd have left her there, for heavens sake. She's _way_ more trouble than she's worth.

Daine: HEY! I thought you were my friend… *_Sniffles_*

Badger God: When did I EVER say ANYTHING LIKE THAT?

Director: *_Huffing and puffing because he's so overweight_.* Who's THAT?

Badger God: I'm the BADGER GOD, for heaven's sake. Read my name!

Director: *_Consulting a sheet of cow entrails._* Hey… *_Realization dawns on him._* YOU'RE not in the script!!!!!!

Badger God: I am a god. I go and come where I please.

Director: I am the director. I have power over all things in this play while the cameras are on. I am about to smash you out of the script.

Badger God: Are not.

Director: Am too.

Badger God: Are not.

Director: Am too.

Badger God: Are not.

Director: Am too.

Badger God: Are not.

Director: Am too.

Badger God: Are not.

Director: Am too.

Badger God: Are not.

Director: ENOUGH ALREADY! *_Director erases something, and Badger God looks mildly surprised as he is flung out of the universe._*

Director: WHEW! I'm getting too old to do this much longer.

__

Scene ends

So, will the trial ever actually finish? Is anything new ever going to happen? The answer, most likely, is YES! Lot's of other interesting things like what's here will be here shortly, until one fine day some idiot… never mind.

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